Second part.(which comes up first!)

Even though I discovered EFT late in life,I still deeply and completely love and accept myself,believe in and respect myself.

So.. that was the first part of the story.Now ... when we got home ... as I said.. we were very tired ...and ...just couldn't deal with much except going to bed early.
The next morning I awoke early,as I often do..about 4.30. and started doing some of the karate chop for psychological reversal again.I was finding it hard not to make the bed shake as I chopped away and,although I had developed a technique where I could stimulate the point on both hands at the same time without the chopping action..I decided I wanted to do it 'properly' so got up to do it in the armchair in the sitting room.
My sufi sheikh (Sheikh Nazim al Haqqani) has often spoken about the effects of living in houses where there is pre-stressed concrete ..or re-inforced cement used in the construction..'Beton' as he calls it..he says it is the biggest unknown cause of cancer..now doesn't that just fit with what Gary says about polarity and energy in the human being?
I resume ...I am trying to remember how I got there..but I had been doing more stuff around that "Even though I don't want to get better because I might not get attention any more.." thing ..and I was remembering the circumstances of my family with my aggressive brother and my angry father and my mother who loved me very much ..but was stressed to hell and back with all the emotional dramas and trying to be a teacher to sort out the family economy..(which took the power away from my father even more because after having left the church he was only able to get clerking work so she had more economic power than he..which is another whole subject of discussion)...
Somehow it was so clear that I would always try to stay troubled and ill or whatever in order to get my mother's attention..The thinking around it all was bringing back feelings very clearly and ..almost despite myself I found myself saying quite a few times.."Even though I didn't want to have any success in case I hurt my brother's feelings.." ..I remembered how I had always felt sorry for my brother ..there was no need really but,because my parents only idea of success
was an academic one..and I was the 'clever' one..i.e. eleven plus and grammar
school and university material..I always felt somehow sorry for Nick and didn't want to hurt his feelings despite the fact that he treated me vilely and was always doing me down in some way..wether ridiculing me in front of my friends to get them away from me or physically hurting me quite badly(causing blood and scarring several times) or swapping old broken stuff for good stuff of mine ..
and.. this led me on to remember that I felt terribly sorry for all my family but could do nothing about it..I felt sorry for my dad too and ,most of all for my mum,who..I realised had no sexual satisfaction with my dad and,in some way I felt responsible for that too.!
Woh! ..grand discoveries! ..I did quite a lot of karate chopping on all that ..and realised that,in a way ..all my feelings of inadequacy and failure were somehow,directly,or indirectly connected with not being able to resolve the suffering of the rest of my family..Quite a different view of myself starts to emerge about there I think!
Now.. the strange thing was, after praying and finding myself somewhat 'heavy' or tired,I went back to bed and slept .. but, when I awoke..I did not feel better!In fact I felt terrible! ...
I spent the whole day in a state of downness and negativity ..almost a numbness..
not feeling much ..not even wanting to feel much..almost just wanting to stop existing..or at least escape in sleep.
What a disappointment! ..the only thing that I had started to have hope in seemed to have let me down badly.I got through the day somehow,with plenty of time on the computer as usual..and managed to get to sleep again at night..
Now .. this morning when I woke up ... what a different story!
Yes..there were a few moments of negativity there..I did one round of EFT and suddenly I was getting out of bed and off the mark!..Recently perhaps I might be there up to two hours tapping away until 'facing' doing fajr ..Today I prayed in a way that I hadn't done in a long time..(but without intensity or craziness) just happy worship and glorification of my Lord..meaning it .. feeling it ..
Oh alhamduli'llah!

Since then it's been energy all the way..positivity..happiness,thankfulness..really feeling good that I have my health ..really feeling thankful for my sight my taste,and other senses..that my body still responds and works O.K. ..I've been doing stuff on the blogs ever since and felt pretty positive about that .. to the point of wanting now a camera to do my own photos to accompany my writing instead of just using stuff from Google which is fun.. but not quite the same.
Yesterday ,by the way,I baked bread for the first time and was surprised how much I enjoyed it..the texture and everything..as it goes through all the changes but also,something natural and archetypal about it..I never could understand why dear old John Lennon got so excited about something seemingly so simple for a superstar like him..but now I understand how,living in all that New York hyped up madness it must have been a point of reference to something 'real'. That little bit of 'success' (it really wasn't bad for a first attempt) helped me with my self-esteem in what was otherwise a pretty deadly day.
Today Bilquis is just getting over her temperature .. and the weather is really great.Jamal has come round with Carol's little girl Sophie ..it has been a very pleasant hour or so with them. He tells me that we have just started another cycle of 260 days or Tzolkin and it certainly feels as though something has changed/is changing.